The Exciting Adventures of Tayuya
by kidgeonpat
Summary: Completely pointless crack, spawned from a livejournal meme, written purely for the amusement of myself and my friend. And anyone else who happens to be amused by it. Basis for a sound and worthwhile piece of literature? I think so!
1. Chapter 1

**The Exciting Adventures of Tayuya**

Featuring Tayu/Oro, Oro/Naru, Tayu/Shika, Tayu/Sasu, Tayu/Gaa, Shika/Chou, Naru/Sasu, Oro/Kabu, Lee/Gaa, bad-writing/no-plot, gratituous-pairing-inclusions(feel free to make suggestions!)/lack-of-serious-characterisation-and-overuse-of-stereotypes-which-I-actually-feel-really-bad-about-because-I-hate-it-when-people-do-that-but-this-is-crackfic-so-it-doesn't-count, and many, many more! Probably!

**Chapter 1**

**One and Nine, Nine and Four: To Give the Gift of Uchiha**

"You're fucking beautiful, you know? I had you pegged as a pervy homo all this time, but you really proved me wrong, huh, Orochimaru-sama?"

Tayuya gently (as gently as possible for her, which was not actually very gently) caressed her lover(she noogied him in the side of the face hard enough to leave a bruise), and the pale, effeminate man leered back at her.

"Of course, my dear. I have eyes for no other but you."

They lived happily ever after.

..Until the day. That fateful day! The day.. HE came.

Tayuya was out with her pack of bestest buddies, the fatty, the fags and the freakshow, picking up a present for her snuggle-bunny. When they'd gone shopping recently, he had absolutely fawned over a young boy in a neighboring village; one Uchiha Sasuke. Tayuya didn't fear competition for Orochimaru-sama's affection – she knew that the man only desired Sasuke in the form of a play-thing, and as a future container for his apparently undying soul. Tayuya being the sweet and perceptive girl she was, had immediately picked up on the signals Orochimaru-sama was sending her, and whisked her friends away to help her collect the unsuspecting child.

Sasuke fell hook, line and sinker for the story Tayuya had fabricated to lure him with – something about power and avenging his clan(Kabuto had told her it would work, and by jove, that man was good for something after all), and hopped eagerly into the decorative box she had prepared earlier. She would add the ribbons and bows later. Orochimaru-sama was very keen on ribbons and bows.

The quartet(sextet? Including Sasuke and Ukon?) tripped on merrily back to Otogakure.

Until!

A loud and obnoxious group of young men accosted them part-way there, and demanded that they release the Uchiha and allow him to run free and wild in his natural habitat! Tayuya tried to calmly and reasonably(with lots of calm, reasonable screaming and explosive language) explain to them that Sasuke had come quite willingly – but they just wouldn't listen. One by one they attacked, and Tayuya bravely carried on alone with her barrel'o'Sasuke, until two of the group caught up with her! The cleverest one, Nara Shikamaru, and the noisiest one, Uzumaki Naruto.

Out of the blue, her other buddy suddenly appeared in the trees ahead! He'd been too sick to come along, but apparently he was ok now. Go figure.

Anyway, this guy Kimimaro told Tayuya that he'd take care of Uzumaki while she dealt with Nara. She did a happy little dance of joy, and took out her uber battle flute of wibbly death to make quick work of that lazy dirt-rat. But he would not be made quick work of! She almost had him, after a long struggle, when all of a sudden a fluffy blonde chick showed up and grinned an evil grin!

"Pokeball, go! I choose you, Linoone!"

Tayuya flailed. Her type was weak to Linoone's normal type! She flailed and flailed some more!

Tayuya used Withdraw!

Tayuya's defense rose!

Linoone used Cut!

It's super effective!

Tayuya fainted!

..And thus, the epic battle drew to a close. Linoone's level rose, and it learned Belly Drum. The fluffy blonde girl cackled an evil cackle, and retreated. But Tayuya was not dead, as might have otherwise been inferred by the large number of trees crushing her body! She was merely fainted! Shikamaru duly noted this fact, and being so awesomely clever, deduced that she was not in fact evil and deserving to be killed at all, and so he rescued her from her almost certain discomfort, and revived her with a max revive that Chouji had given him earlier.

They had a long chat and quickly became friends.

Suddenly Kimimaro reappeared. How did that boy do that?

He was unexpectedly covered in gore and injuries!

He gave a weak, withering cough and looked up at Tayuya with bloodshot eyes.

"Orochimaru-sama… Has sh-..shacked up.. With.. **Naruto**."

(And now, a note from me! Wow, these chapters look even shorter on here than they do on Word. Hum. Well. This fic was born when I did that meme(you know, THAT meme…) where you get however many characters from a series and then theres a bunch of situations suggested and you get all these random pairings and… stuff. Yeah. Yeah.)

(…Yeah)

(…Hey, don't blame me, I didn't tell you to read it!)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**One and Eleven, One and Twelve: The flings are flung**

If this was a manga panel, the 'DOOOOM' sound effect would be written in big, ominously spiky and wobbly letters all over the top. Over the scene of Kimimaro taking a last, shuddering breath before collapsing to the ground, Tayuya blaring expletives, and Shikamaru looking mildly confused. But mostly just bored. And tired.

Eventually Tayuya's voice grew a little hoarse, and she fell to her knees and wept a tear or two. Only a few. Despite her deep love for Orochimaru-sama, this news would not bring her down forever. She was a tough, independent woman, and she didn't need that man to be happy! Not him, not his house, not his money, or his power, or his inexpressively flexible tongue…

Suddenly seized with a pang of loneliness, she flung herself at Shikamaru. He yelped in surprise, but succumbed with only a little persuasion to her molesting. He really didn't have to do much, in the end – she was very dominating. That suited him, because he was far too lazy to take the upper hand.

And so they had hot sex, and it was very satisfying, despite the fact that they were only 13 and 14. They were very mature for their ages.

In the morning there were no regrets on either side, and Tayuya felt much better. Shikamaru shrugged and told her that it was a pain, but he really ought to get going and find his friend, Chouji, because he needed to confess his undying love to him. (Chouji was at that moment deep in discussion with Jirobou about which ice cream flavours matched with which meals)

So they bid eachother farewell, and Tayuya wondered what to do next.

..And her eyes fell upon the barrel lying at the base of a nearby tree.

Everyone had completely forgotten about Sasuke!

She hurried over and ripped off the decorative bow which she'd tied so patiently, ripped off the lid which she'd screwed on so carefully, and the blinding light of day shone down upon the little emo kid curled in a foetal position at the bottom of the container.

He didn't move.

"Come on, chicken-head. Get off your ass."

He continued to not move. She poked him hard in the ear with her flute.

"Can't move.. Cramps."

Tayuya scowled – really, what kind of ninja cramped up after only a day and a night inside a tiny barrel?

A chicken-headed kind of a ninja, apparently!

She kicked the barrel over and Sasuke tumbled out in a pathetic little pile.

Tayuya couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. But just for a second.

"Well, go home, or whatever."

Sasuke prepared his best angst-laden glare, loaded his pupils with implications of all the suffering he'd been through in his childhood, added a tilt of the eyebrows to relay his determination to avenge his clan via the slaughtering of it's only other remaining member(his brother, said the precise slant of his mouth and the angle of his jaw), and directed it at the girl standing before him with her hair as bright as a neon light.

She didn't budge.

Sasuke was not used to this at all. He was used to that glare causing people, expecially girls, to pale and go all wibbly. And begin fawning over him annoyingly. Or run away.

Always one of the two.

But this girl was doing neither!

Come to think of it, her determinedness and fluro-ness combined to remind him of a certain loud and obnoxious boy he knew… But that was neither here nor there, because he found himself inexplicably attracted to her. The way she just stood there and took it like a man! Not that she was a man. Not that being 'like a man' was anything to do with the attraction he felt for her. Not that being like a particular blonde man had anything to do with it. Not that he had anything to do with anything! She wasn't a man! She was a woman! What?

Tayuya had been staring at Sasuke for several minutes, watching curiously as he appeared to try and reason something out. His eyes crossed. His mouth slowly dropped open and a thin line of drool trailed down his chin. She let out a bark of laughter, unable to hold it in any longer, and snorted and sniggered and Sasuke came out of his daze and blushed, scrubbing the spittle away with the back of his hand.

"Shut up.. Come with me. You will live at my house and bear my children when I'm old enough to have sex and babies and stuff."

Tayuya was about to start with the swearing and protesting, when she realized that she didn't actually have anywhere else to go. The little shit could be useful… She could easily ward off his advances if he tried to make any. And being a member of such a formerly prestigious clan, he must have a bit of cash, at least.

She shrugged.

"Fine."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**One and Twelve, One and Three: Settling down?**

So the foul-mouthed kunoichi and her sugar-daddy headed back to Konoha together – or they would have, if Sasuke hadn't remembered the other pinkish chick he knew and her dangerous obsession with him. She'd probably read into his new relationship as some sort of subtextual expression of his secret desire for herself. He gave a little shudder and decided that this risk was one worth avoiding.

So the flute-lady and duckbutt headed off to Sound Village(Sound DankSmellyWetCave, more like it) – or they would have, if Tayuya hadn't protested loudly. She wasn't quite ready to face Orochimaru yet, to confront him about what had happened. Whatever it was that had happened.

So giant-purple-bow girl and The Avenger(tm) sat down and had a serious think about where the heck they were going to live – or they would have, if a group of young people hadn't suddenly happened to pass by, out of the blue. A well-built boy in a loose black jumpsuit led the way, followed by a small and skinny boy with way too much eyeliner on, a tall boy with a black bowl-cut and a tight, snappy, forest green-and-orange getup(and spectacular eyebrows), and a fluffy blonde girl.

"?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!"

Said Tayuya.

The blonde girl gave an evil chuckle.

"Don't worry, Linoone's at the pokemon centre. You're safe for now. I'm Temari."

Tayuya peered suspiciously, but stuck out her hand and shook. She may or may not have attempted to crush Temari's hand in the process.

"Tayuya. And this is.. Uh. Sasuke…?"

Sasuke was trying to fix a slow, withering glare at two of the boys. The effect was rather spoiled by the fact that he was trying to fix it on both boys at the same time. The boys in question exchanged a look of bemusement. The taller one with the spectacular eyebrows stepped forward and grinned shinily.

"My Name is Rock Lee! This is Gaara, He And I have just Returned from a Brilliant and Youthful Victory over our Worthy Foe!"

Gaara did not yea or nea this statement, but stood staring at the back of Lee's head. His expression was inscrutable. Tayuya shrugged mentally and glanced at the last boy. Thick purple paint and a black hood with ears combined to give him a look that was at once striking and adorable. He raised a hand in greeting.

"Hey. I'm Kankuro. So.. You guys from leaf, or..?"

Lee shined at Kankuro.

"Uchiha Sasuke is Indeed from My Village! He is one of the Strongest Genin in his Year! Perhaps the Strongest of All! His Bloodline Limit, the Sh-"

Gaara had stepped forward at some point and placed a finger on Lee's shoulder, at which Lee paused and looked a little surprised, but then turned to shine at Gaara instead. Then back at Kankuro for a second, then at Tayuya again. And fleetingly at Temari and Sasuke, just so they wouldn't feel left out. Tayuya was getting a little confused by all the shining.

"Uuh. Ok. So where'a you fuckers headed?"

"We are going to Sand Village. Lee is accompanying us so that we may treat his injuries."

Gaara gazed steadily at Tayuya as he spoke, one finger still resting on Lee's shoulder.

She and Sasuke exchanged a look.

"This Sand Village.. What's it like?"

And so Tayuya and Sasuke headed out to Sunagakure with Temari, Kankers, Lee and Gaara, and upon arriving set out to find a house. And find a house they did!

It was alright, as far as first houses go. It was styled in rather the same manner as most of the other houses in the village – roundish and domed, and made of sandstone. The windows were small and shuttered to guard against wind storms, and the ceilings were low. Sasuke immediately hit the markets to buy furniture, décor and other homey items. Tayuya really couldn't be stuffed. The bare, coarse walls alone were cheerier and more welcoming than that drippy old cave she'd called home in Sound Village.

Tayuya and Sasuke settled quickly into life in Sand. Sasuke learned that his two hour showers plus a conditioning rinse were neither appreciated nor appropriate in a place where water was so precious, and the second time he tried to take one, he was banned from the bathroom for a week. Tayuya learned that busking was legal in this village, and found a steady source of income. Sasuke learned that practicing his scowl at innocent bystanders was also legal in this village, but in it he found no source of income whatsoever. Except perhaps for the time that a terrified little girl threw down her lolly bag and loose change in her haste to flee. But, Sasuke thought reflectively as he nibbled on a cola chew, there weren't really enough little girls around to make a viable career out of it.


End file.
